Anyway, a couple of things spring out at me from the pre-Cedh texts that were partly my fault, so I'll explain a few...
I was aware the original was in the present tense, but there's just no way that an Old Wenthish narrative could be written in the present tense. This also helped me avoid some awkward tense questions where the original (as I translated it, which seems to have been accurate) felt of dubious grammaticality ("In that time, I have to find the emeralds, rejoin carrying everything I could steal..." etc - 'that time' and 'I have to' seem to clash, 'could' doesn't feel possible for me there because of the surrounding present tense (I'd have to say "can" or "am able to", or if I really needed the subjunctive I'd have to say "would be able to" or "might be able to" or something) etc), and I'd have had to make difficult decisions about how to preserve the original tense implications while ensuring grammaticality in the Old Wenthish. Putting it all into a nice, ordinary past tense made this all a lot easier while also, as I say, making it much more plausible as an Old Wenthish narrative.
The OW text is actually a bit tricky here, because it uses a verb-derived form (which in my torch I called a verbal noun, although I'm actually now calling them gerunds instead) - so literally "a crowding about s.o.". Click went for "mass" - I'm not sure if they thought that's what I meant (not realise I meant people), or if that's just how his conlang expresses crowds (after all, it can be that in English too). In any case, although the mass survived Cedh, ixals turned it back to "crowd" anyway, perhaps because Cedh had by then made it clearer that people were intended.
Leaving the path
The original apparently was "step out into the back street" - I'm not sure how I could have guessed "step into", because the Boral seems just to say "go out into". However, I evidentally did misunderstand the sense somewhat beyond that - "step out into" suggests the narrator is leaving a building, whereas I took from it just "leave into" or "exited into", and I assumed the sense was that she was already in one street and was turning into a side street.
In hindsight, I should have realised that the swirling crowd (apparently I should have said "revolving" crowd, but that seems an odd idea to me!) were the same people as the party, and hence must be indoors. But I didn't - I for some reason assumed she was already outside the house, but in a crowded street. I guess this also made more sense to me because I assumed the jarl's mathomchamber was in the building - if it isn't, why would she have to go back to the party just to escape from it? - and hence she wouldn't just have stepped out into the street.
ANYWAY... if I'd realised she was just leaving the house, I'd probably have gone with something that translated as "entered the alley". Instead, I went with the sense of turning from the street into the alley. And that's where I appear to have thrown click. See, the word I used for 'turn' (cognate to hypothetical English "forwend") means to leave a path... and the word for "alley" is literally 'little path' (hyp.Eng. 'pathock') - small unpaved road or street. Click reasonably translated that as 'footpath', but I think the combination of 'leave a path' and 'footpath' made them think she was leaving the footpath - rather than leaving ONTO the footpath. Case may also be an issue here - "in pathocạ frauáddo" requires that the translator notice that 'path' is accusative, not dative, and thus it means 'into the alley', not 'in the alley'.
This then became the slightly more emphatic 'turn to get away from the footpath' in brblues' translation, before Cedh thought better of the whole incident and replaced it with the more evocative "The people continued to dance and sing in their ritual, walking away towards the sacred megalith."
The Red Dot Far Away, Moving
I was meant to guess here that the Boral word for 'red' actually meant 'pink' in this context; but I failed.
More to the point, I had to do a bit of work with the phase "lost all trace of red/pink". I decided "lose" in this sense, particularly with an inanimate agent, and I instead reorganised the alignment and went with "all trace of red had gone". "All trace of red", however, I felt was also too idiomatic, so I went with the more literal "last red speck" (úteró... fleacca flannó). However, this caused two problems. Firstly, the word for "last" is the same as "later" (there is no regular superlative, the comparative is used instead), and the word for "later" is the same as "farther" or "outer". This is of course reflected in English too, but with a later random split - 'outer' vs 'utter'. Secondly, the wordfor 'speck' is more ordinarily 'mark', 'stain', 'fleck' or 'spot'. It can mean any discolouration or small but visible dot of colour.
Anyway, this expression literally means "the farther(most) red fleck", intended to be taken in a sense like "the final visible speck of red", but Click has not unreasonably gone with the more literal "the farther-away red spot".
This then seems to have become "a red speck... from far away" (the adjective getting mislaid), which cedh translated nicely as "a red dot somewhere far away". But Cedh then took a gamble and replaced this with "the sun... like a red gemstone". [I don't know whether 'dot' translates regularly as 'gemstone' in Ronc Tyu, or if that's an embellishment].
Meanwhile, because I changed 'had lost all red' to 'all red had gone', we developed some motion. The word I used translates to 'leave (not to return), disappear (from), die, be extinguished', but Click understandably went with a more literal "move away from". This then went back to 'disappear from', then 'descend', then 'hurry', and so on.
[Cedh momentarily had the more intriguing "I disappeared as a red dot", but evidently thought better of this fanciful notion and replaced themselves with the sun...]
So "lost all trace of red" becomes "the sun rises into the sky like a gem"
The cloudless clouds
This all wasn't helped by what I had to do in the rest of that clause. The original has a nice, simple, "the cloudless sky" (which loses the red). Unfortunately, Old Wenthish has a problem: there is no word for "sky" per se; instead, the plural "clouds" is used. This equation is sadly natural for those of us living on Atlantic islands - the poetic English wod for the sky, "welkin", literally just means "clouds", while its replacement, "sky", is just the borrowed Norse word for "cloud". (OW did have the equivalent to English "heaven", as well - but, as in English, this tended to be used in theological or metaphysical contexts, rather than meteorological observations; it would have been possible to translate directly as "cloudless heaven", but that would probably be interpreted as paraside, or, for the really educated, the void between the celestial spheres, rather than just 'the blue stuff you see looking up).
I didn't want to have to say "the cloudless clouds", so I went with what I think OW would have used in practice: the blue clouds. Unfortunately, the word for "blue" is also the word for "green", so I literally translated "the cloudless sky" as "the green clouds". Fortunately, Click realised this and stuck with 'blue'. However, this introduces clouds into what should be a cloudless story.
I don't understand really what happens to them. They gain a collective noun, becoming a herd of clouds (nice!), before Cedh claims to have eradicated them entirely, translating them as simply "the sky". And yet ixals, after Cedh, is talking about a herd of clouds again, so unless that's a massive coincidence, I don't think Cedh's story itself is a direct translation of the Ronc Tyu text!
The herd, in any case, is thinned down to one cloud, before finally expanding back to the clouds.
As for the colour, the blue clouds were obviously a bit confusing, and so they became clouds that simply turned blue.
[this could have ended up worse. The OW phrase literally, in order, goes: "outer then fleck red green clouds before departed". Fortunately, Click observed the case agreements (or common sense) and did not think that the farther dot had left the red-green (or red-blue) coulds...]
Put these together and "the cloudless sky has lost the last residue of red" becomes "the sun rises into the sky like a gem thrown through the clouds", and the entire narrative is now set at dawn rather than dusk...
I'll talk about a few other bits later...