If I start dating, what is age-appropriate?

[eldin raigmore]

(for a similar question, see this thread: http://cbbforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=7993)

I’m 72 and a widower. I’ve been thinking about getting back in to dating.

What’s an appropriate lower age-limit on which women I should ask out?
36 ?
48 ?
54 ?

[elemtilas]

(for a similar question, see this thread: http://cbbforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=7993)

I’m 72 and a widower. I’ve been thinking about getting back in to dating.

What’s an appropriate lower age-limit on which women I should ask out?
36 ?
48 ?
54 ?

What's the context here? Things like religion, culture, laws in effect, relative social strata, economic situations, pre or post pockyclypticality all will play into a good answer!

[lsd]

I don't think there are any limits to set,
except your own, and your partner's,
intellectually, physically and ethically...

[LinguistCat]

The rule of thumb for the lower end of one's dating pool is usually half your age plus 7 years, which comes out to 43 in your case Eldin. But I think as long as you're both adults and neither of you is under duress in some way, if you both consent to the relationship then it's fine. Though people will likely have things to say about you and your hypothetical partner the larger the age gap is, so just keep that in mind.

[eldin raigmore]

@LinguistCat : Thank you for your answer!
That rule-of-thumb (younger’s age >= 1/2 older’s age + 7 years) came from some Regency or Victorian romantic novel.
It wasn’t based on science or law; and as far as I know, there’s no record of how widespread that opinion was among the class of that novel’s heroine.

….

I don’t know how to re-find the article, but, some scientific research, published either in some peer-refereed academic journal or some periodical for explaining new results to lay-people, polled a sufficiently-sized sample of either USAnian or perhaps USA+Canadian male and female people about what they thought the right limits on age differences between the partners in a heterosexual couple (of cis-gendered people) should be. If I recall correctly their results were statistically significant: And the researchers also presented the subjects with example couples and asked how they felt about those, to check that the formulas they came up with were what the subjects actually thought, and not just some formula they’d memorized.

There were a few circumstances that significantly affected their answers.
1. Was the person being polled a man or a woman?
2. Was the couple being asked about an older man with a younger woman, or an older woman with a younger man?
3. How serious and committed was the relationship? If it was platonic or non-exclusive (or otherwise not serious or not committed) that got one set of answers; if it was committed and exclusive, for instance betrothal, that got a different set of answers.

….

All of the averaged formulas were of the form
younger’s age >= some fraction of older’s age + some constant number of years.

The fraction was always more than one-half. In some instances it was two-thirds, and in some it was three-quarters. If they also found other fractions, I don’t recall them.

If they found a pattern in the constants, I don’t remember what it was. Either I didn’t understand it, or I just didn’t pay attention.

The younger’s age had to be >= 18 years.

If the relationship was committed and sexual, the woman’s age couldn’t exceed the man’s age by more than 9 years.
Or, at any rate, that was what nearly all the men polled thought. IDK but the women polled might also have thought that. And FAICR the men might have thought the same for non-serious and/or non-committed relationships.

So, I in effect tried to ask what that coefficient for the linear term should be;
Half my current age is 36;
Two-thirds my current age is 48;
Three-quarters my current age is 54.

….

Before I turned about 57, I would have been looking for a woman with whom I could have a biological child of mine.
So the point of considering women aged 20 to 40 (or even women aged 15 to 45) was to find a candidate co-parent.

But I think that ship has sailed for me. (Probably finally resigned myself to that in the middle of last year, when I was 71.)

Instead I’d probably like her to have a child or children who’d accept me as their step-father; and I’d like her to accept my daughter as her step-daughter, and I’d like my daughter to accept her as a step-mother.

….

Spoiler:

The spoiler coming up contains material violating the no-cross-no-crown rule. If you could be offended or triggered by that, please don’t read it.

Other changes, in chronological order:

1. Since my ex-wife’s death in January 2013, I can’t believe in any god. I am an atheist in order to avoid being a dystheist (one who believes god is evil) and a misotheist (one who hates god). Believing in god would limit both the span of my life and the quality of my life. Even pretending to believe in god makes me feel an unpleasant physical sensation which may be nausea.
So any woman I’d want to live with, or interact for more than half a day almost every day, would have to refrain from trying to make me believe in god; and also not practice daily or near-daily devotionals in my presence, nor try to take me with her to attend services weekly, or even monthly.
So she’d practically have to be either an atheist or an agnostic.

2. Since January 21st 2017 I can’t stand Trump nor MAGA. I’m even more afraid of Trump now. So she’d need to be a never-Trumper and not buy into MAGA.
Since October 2018 I gave up on the Republican Party and became a Democrat. I didn’t think I’d become a Progressive, but I guess I have, though perhaps I’m not as Progressive as certain other people.
So I’d need her to be a Democrat, or a progressive Independent. Or, at least, something like that!


….

In reality, there are a couple of obstacles to me starting to date, that I don’t know how to circumvent or surmount, even if I knew what my dating pool should be.
For one, I have precious little disposable income.
For another, I’m not in the pink of health.

So it might be best to think of this question, as a question about fantasy worldbuilding.

[LinguistCat]

Ah, well, I've heard people discuss the 1/2 +7 rule at least occasionally, but that was like, as a theoretical maximum age difference. I think it's actually more useful at younger ages anyway, if it gets used at all.

Once someone is in their late 20s, 30s and definitely their 40s, it's much more important that two people can be compatible in beliefs and values, can communicate effectively, have a similar sense of humor, etc. I guess even if it was accurate to the feelings of Victorian and Regency era folks in the UK, people now and in the US have a much more limited idea of what ages are acceptable, at least when starting out in life.

I suppose if you want to be careful, aim not lower than 56, but if you get along with a younger lady of over 48 and she seems amenable you could ask her to dinner some time. I think it's more important to find something you can do to meet people in what spare time you do have, that is free or at least inexpensive.

[eldin raigmore]

What's the context here? Things like religion, culture, laws in effect, relative social strata, economic situations, pre or post pockyclypticality all will play into a good answer!

Thanks! And you’re right; all of those are relevant.
(With the possible exception of pockyclypticality; I’m not sure if that refers to hiding pockies or something else?)

Spoiler:

For some of the religion and culture; if you want to, you can see the spoilers I’ve edited into my original post.

I don't think there are any limits to set,
except your own, and your partner's,
intellectually, physically and ethically...

Thanks! I think your response is consistent with LinguistCat’s.

….
Once someone is in their late 20s, 30s and definitely their 40s, it's much more important that two people can be compatible in beliefs and values, can communicate effectively, have a similar sense of humor, etc. ….
….
I suppose if you want to be careful, aim not lower than 56, but if you get along with a younger lady of over 48 and she seems amenable you could ask her to dinner some time. I think it's more important to find something you can do to meet people in what spare time you do have, that is free or at least inexpensive.

Thanks! That makes sense. (So do the parts I didn’t quote!)